This year’s Mother’s Day kicked my ass, plain and simple. Yes, I survived it, but only because there really is no other option, is there?
Up until 2005, I mostly ignored Mother’s Day. I would send flowers or a card to my mother and grandmother, but I didn’t have to really acknowledge the holiday for the most part. I wasn’t emotional, I just ignored the day.
When I got married and had children that I actually am raising, the whole day changed. I could no longer just go about my business pretending that the day didn’t exist. Other people wanted to celebrate the joy of motherhood with me on that day, but not for the child I gave away. No one wanted to talk about that on Mother’s Day.
I think the assumption most people have is that because I now have “real” children that I am raising and am an “actual“ mother to, that I do not think about the child I gave away on Mother’s Day. Most people would not consider me a mother to that child. No, certainly I am not mothering him in any real way now. I have these three beautiful children to celebrate being a mother to. That is real to most people. The child I gave away is abstract.
I am friends on facebook with my son’s father. This is a semi new development that I am very grateful for. He did send me a quick Happy Mother’s Day message, but I am not really sure if it was for our child or just his acknowledgement that I have children and we are friends so have a nice day. Whatever the case may be, it was a small thing that made me smile that day.
What people do not realize is that having these three “real” children only intensifies the feeling of loss I have for my first child. And so, I was a miserable cunt on Mother’s Day this year. Truth be told, the only thing I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep the day away. Instead, I spent the day outside with my kids, watching them play, and hoping that the Mike’s Hard Lemonade I was guzzling would make the day go by faster.
If you were a fly on the wall that day, you would probably not notice anything amiss with me. I simply sat there, drinking my drinks and smiling at my kids. Inside my head, however, was a completely different story.
Here are some random emotions and thoughts that ran through my head:
Anger – Fuck you Mother’s Day! Fucking bullshit holiday on which I must pretend to be perfect Mommy. Fuck you husband for not letting me stay in bed all day. Fuck you Mike’s Hard Lemonade for not providing me with the buzz I so desperately want. Fuck me for not buying a box of wine instead. Fuck you family for not even acknowledging that I might have mixed feelings about the day.
Jealousy – I wonder what my son did for his “real” mom on mother’s day? I wonder if I am even a passing thought for him today? I bet those rich bitches are out celebrating and having the time of their lives today. Fuck you for being able to spend the day together.
Self-pity – I want to be his mother. I should be the mother who gets to hug him and kiss him and love him.
Mostly, I was just irritated that I couldn’t enjoy the day with my family without grieving for my child. One more day to get through in May without having a complete mental breakdown. Jesus, having a mental breakdown at this point sounds like a nice vacation!