Tagged: adoptoraptors

Pre-birth Matching = Adoption Coercion

Pre-birth matching of expecting mothers and prospective adoptive parents is pretty commonplace in domestic infant adoption these days.  From an outsider’s perspective, it makes sense if 2 parties are entering into an open adoption agreement that they should get to know each other before committing to a lifelong relationship.  It would also make sense that a mother considering adoption would want to know a little bit about the people who will be raising her child.  Unfortunately, this practice is ripe for unethical behavior and manipulation.

I disagree with pre-birth matching for a few reasons.  First and foremost, a mother can not and should not be forced to make a final decision about adoption until well after the birth of her child.  If that decision can not be made prior to birth, it makes no sense for prospective adoptive parents to put themselves in the position to be heartbroken when a woman decides to parent.  It should be assumed that a mother is going to raise their child until she can sign her consent for adoption without undue stress.  In most circles, the opposite is assumed.  If a woman contacts an agency while pregnant the assumption is that she will be giving her baby up for adoption after the child is born.  If a woman can not make the decision regarding adoption until after her baby is born, why bother with pre-birth matching?

Are Adoptive Parents Engaging In Adoption Coercion?

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in life.  With regards to pre-birth matching, I try to believe that prospective adoptive parents engage in this practice because it is what the agencies suggest.  At this point, it simply is just how it is done in the U.S. so who are they to argue?  I do believe that the industry as a whole has a different agenda when it comes to pre-birth matching.  The agencies and lawyers know that a mother is more likely to follow through with an adoption if she has a relationship with the adopters but I have tried to believe that hopeful adoptive parents do not engage in the practice because of that.  And then I read something like this, taken from a post on the Adoptive Families Circle forums:

“With my first I waited until after court and had more of a family party.

My last 2 were piratically twins (3.5 months apart) and the expectant/birth mothers were good friends.

I was having a huge shower and knew they both wanted to come, so I invited them prior to birth.

I am glad I did because it really got them excited to see all my friends and family and all the love and support and gifts. They loved seeing all their child would have, the nursery and also seeing all the friends and family, etc.

It would have been really hard had they not actually placed, but I am glad it worked out. Maybe that influenced it, I believe the more time you spend together and share, the more likely they do place. You just never know. I thought if they did not place I would give them the gender specific stuff and keep the other stuff.

On a side note I knew I would get a ton of baby stuff, so I had a hospital bag/recovery basket for them so they would have something to open as well with robe, slippers, and all the stuff my sister said you need after you deliver, etc.

Maybe it is to emotional to do for a first time adoption, but probably fun for a second one.”

This comment was in response to a prospective adoptive mother wondering if she should or should not invite the expectant mother she was matched with to her baby shower.

I have bolded the portion of the comment that I had a visceral reaction to.  What that bolded portion is describing is most definitely coercion.  This woman is describing how, by having the expectant mother present at the baby shower, she was hoping it would put pressure on the mother to follow through with the adoption.  She flat out states that she believed that the more time spent with the expecting mother, the more likely they are to give their child to you.

When I read that comment, it was a punch in the gut.  This is not how adoption is supposed to work.  A woman who is considering adoption should not be subjected to the manipulation and added pressure of worrying about the prospective parents.  To read a statement like this from an adoptive mother was truly an eye opener for me.

I am not sharing this woman’s comment to punish or embarrass her. It is my hope that more expecting mothers and hopeful adoptive parents will start to recognize the subtle manipulation and added level of stress pre-birth matching puts on mothers and refuse to engage in it.  Adoption should not be about convincing a woman to give up their child.  Adoption should be about a woman making the best choice for her child.

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How the Hell Did We Get Here? (The Capobianco-Brown Tragedy)

Like so many others, I had been following the Capobianco-Brown adoption tragedy with great interest. Also, like so many others, I am appalled and outraged at the outcome of this case.

I have read the opposing side’s viewpoints, comments, and posts along with the court transcripts trying to see where the Capo supporters were coming from.  The conclusion I have come to?  The main priority in adoption in our society is the wants and happiness of the adopters.  This has been an incredibly devastating realization for me.  I want to believe in the inherent good in people.  I want to believe that adoption is always about what is best for the person being adopted.  I want to believe that adoption is only for children with no other options.  This case has beaten the crap out of my optimism in people.  How could this be allowed to happen? When did adoption become about fulfilling the wants of adults?  

In almost all of the comments and articles I have read involving this case, the focus is the Capobiancos’ heartbreak.  Their longing for a child.  Their fight for their child.  And I certainly could have sympathized with them in the beginning. It must be heart wrenching to care for a baby and grow to love them and then have the baby removed from your home.  But, I can only sympathize with them up to a point.  As soon as they were aware that Veronica’s father was not aware of the adoption, the right thing would have been to make sure he agreed with the adoption.  It would have been the right thing to do for Veronica.

Granted, I am neither an adoptive parent, nor am I an adoptee.  However, barring neglect or abuse, it has always been my position that it is best for a person to be raised in their biological family.  Are there times when that is not possible? Yes, but for Veronica, this was not the case.  How can anyone justify removing a child from their biological parent who does not agree to it?  

I can debate back and forth about what Dusten Brown signed, if he knew what he was signing, and what his reasoning was, but the fact is, he never agreed to the adoption of his daughter.  Even if someone agrees that everything the Capobiancos did was legal, how can that same person not agree that it was unethical?  How can anyone believe that being taken away from Veronica’s biological father to be raised by genetic strangers against her father’s will is what is best for Veronica?  Because, in the end, I can sympathize with both sides, but it is Veronica’s best interests that we should all be discussing.  

The sad fact of the matter is that these types of unethical adoption situations happen regularly.  The general public does not hear about them regularly because typically the biological family does not have the financial support to pursue the matter to the fullest extent.  This is a losing proposition for the child who someday will become an adult with questions about their adoption.  These types of unethical adoptions can not be allowed to continue.  

Surely any thinking person can look at this case and see that there were a multitude of unethical goings on here.  Surely we can all agree that this is no way for an adoption to take place.  We, as a society, need to continue the conversation about what is ethical and what is not in adoption.  How can adoption laws and guidelines be so varied from state to state?  How can adoption be so unregulated?  At the bare minimum, adoption laws in every state should be transparent and easy to decipher for all parties.  How do we get back to adoption being about what is best for the person being adopted?