Angry, Not Bitter, First Mother

I get called angry and bitter a lot.  Not in real life, but in virtual life.  In real life, I would be described as a middle-of-the-roader.  I am a person that never wants to upset the apple cart.  Most times, I may have a strong opinion on a subject, but don’t feel comfortable enough to take a position and argue it with people I do not know very well.  I am a confrontation-avoider.

The truth is, in real life, adoption isn’t something that comes up in conversation much.  I run into the occasional person in the process of adopting, but I don’t really feel it is my place to get in their face about how they are going about it.  I have yet to be asked what my thoughts are on adoption in real life.  That is probably because I don’t have “birth mother” tattooed on my forehead.

In virtual life, adoption seems to be everywhere.  There are adoptive parent blogs, first mother blogs, adoptee blogs, prospective adoptive parent blogs, and a myriad of adoption facebook pages.  There are blogs and facebook pages for every position under the sun, for or against, anti or pro.  I also have many personal, real life friends on facebook that have adopted or are in the process of adopting.

I do a lot of posting on the internet about my opinions about adoption, mostly domestic infant adoptions.  While many of my comments are on pages that are similar to my perspective, I also do a fair amounting of commenting on pages which carry the opposite perspective.  I do this because there are so many pages devoted to painting adoption as a beautiful, miraculous event and I feel it is a small thing that I can do for a woman who may be perusing those pages to see another side of the coin.

Inevitably, there are people who do not like that.  And, of course, I get called angry and bitter…A LOT!


Active Anger


I embrace being angry.  Anger is an active emotion.  It is the reason I write about adoption issues.  It is a motivator.  I am angry that women are lied to. I am angry that families are being separated.  I am angry that I am not raising my son.  I am angry that people are making money from adoption.  YES, ANGRY! My anger motivates me to seek out ways to change the system.  Anger is not apathy.  Anger is a stepping stone to change.  Being called angry is not an insult, it means I am getting to you.


Mmmm I’m bitter about adoption but I’m just going to sit here and make this face


I don’t view bitterness as an active emotion.  Bitterness implies a constant state of wallowing.  Bitterness is taking in anger without letting any of it out.  It is identifying oneself as a victim without working toward changing what made you a victim.  So no, I am not bitter.  I refuse to let someone turn me into merely a victim and sit on the sidelines watching while another woman is bulldozed over.  I will not be that.

So, I love adoption peeps, call me angry, call me rage-filled, call me anything, but not bitter.  Not anymore.



  1. Don't worry, be happy.

    This is my personal opinion… I don’t think it’s an accident that people are calling your bitter. In many of your post you seem not only bitter but extremely jealous.

    I think the first step to overcome this is just realize everyone is trying to fight their own battles in life and no one is perfect. So… try to be happy for others. Open your mind a little.

    • leenilee

      Of course I’m jealous, who wouldn’t be? Someone else is raising my child. “Don’t worry be happy” is just not going to cut it.
      Who exactly would you like me to be happy for? Who would be happy about giving away their child? How bizarre.
      I will be “happy” (probably more like relieved) if I happen to ever meet my son again and he lets me know he has had a wonderful existence thus far, with none of the issues many adoptees face. I hope with all my being that this is the case.

  2. andre

    Yes really. I really am glad people are in earnest, willing to make comments. It gives us something tangible to respond to in a meaningful way. People overlook pain, its hard to thrive on it. But to overlook pain also becomes dishonest or shallow. We need truth in adoption, its not pretty, its not benevolent. Caring for a child is, owning a child is not.
    Love to you, may we seek a world with balance, even if its just in knowing the truth in our own hearts. Anger can be a useful tool. Keep on with the good fight. I hope we spend more energy to keep mothers With their children then we do to separate them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s