What Kind of Birth Mother Are You?

I love facebook.  I really do.  I love reading different perspectives on issues I may never have thought of.  I might not agree with those perspectives, but they are valid to me if they at least get me to think.  I read a ton of different adoption perspectives on facebook.  Lately, or maybe just lately for me, I have come across more and more facebook groups specifically advocating for open adoption BUT specifically banning and deterring dissenting opinions about open adoption.  One might think the owners of these groups are all adoptive or prospective adoptive parents and agencies.  To my surprise, some of the most vocal anti-pro-adoption reformers are newly minted birth mothers.  This got me thinking (always a dangerous prospect), are all birth mothers alike and simply on different stages of journeys?  Or, are we all very different?

What kind of birth mother are you?

I do not consider myself to be especially bitter about adoption.  I am unhappy with the way it is conducted today.  I believe much change needs to come about.

It has always been my opinion that women who find themselves in less than ideal circumstances want to keep their babies.  A woman who is presented with support and help from their community and perhaps a little compassion would not choose adoption.  Lately, this small idea of mine has been challenged by happy birth mothers.  My question is, are they really happy or have they let themselves been talked into believing they are happy?

Do Happy Birth Mothers Exist?

When I use the word happy, I am not talking about being at peace with a decision.  I am talking about women who proclaim their joy and happiness with adoption and take every opportunity to talk about their happiness. I am talking about women who are dancing around to REM’s, Shiny Happy People while thinking about adoption.



I am talking about women who talk about their children’s adoptive parents like Gods, thanking them for raising their children and allowing them to maintain contact with them.  I am talking about women who talk about the absolute joy in getting to go on with their lives without the burden of motherhood.  If these women are as joyful and ecstatic about adoption as they claim to be, I have to say, they sound like sociopaths.


Now, who am I to discount or expect every woman to have the same experience as me and why do I care?  I care because these happy daisies preach about their fantabulous adoptions on every “support” site out there.  I care because other women who are considering adoption read their bullshit pudding and take it at face value.  It is fine to present that side of the adoption coin, but I do put my pissy pants on when these sites/groups/pages ban and delete what they consider to be “anti” comments. What is so wrong with putting it all out there, the good and the bad?

These “happies”  seem to get deeply offended by “unhappies”.  I do not think they can stomach any comment that would not lead to the conclusion that they are saviors.  Their fragile psyches can not be exposed to any other way of thinking about adoption.  Certainly the mere mention that however they (the happies) may feel about adoption may not translate to how their adult adoptees may feel about it sends them into a tizzy of epic proportions.  Lots of how dare you’s and who are you to talk about my situation’s.

The point of my little tirade is this.  If all of you “happies” out there are truly so overjoyed to have given up your flesh and blood to strangers, why are you trolling support groups?  Why are you creating support pages for open adoptions?  Generally speaking, happies don’t usually need support groups.  There are only 2 conclusions.  Either you are sociopaths (or maybe the right word is psychopaths) who only function on this planet to serve yourselves and cause pain and discontentment to those around you OR you are not truly happy and the only way to shield yourself from the realization of the unhappiness in your soul is to talk other women into the same painful experience as you.



  1. everyoneactdead

    also, instead of saying “it was the right thing to do, i don’t regret it, blahblah,” why not say “it’s terribly sad and disturbing that giving my child away had to be the best choice”? even if it was the right choice how can you possibly be okay with it?

    • leenilee

      Yes! That’s exactly it! What kind if person is psyched to give up their child? I understand women who believe they made the best choice at the time, but to actually be happy with it? That’s where I part ways with them.

  2. Anjl777

    I was a happy open adoption birth mother, well you would have thought I was. I held on to everything the agency said because what they actually did to me and my son is so fucked up, it’s impossible to face. It’s part of the denial. I think back to how I use to say it was God’s will. WTF?! What the hell was wrong with me to think that God gave me a baby just to give away to a stranger? I wish everyday I could make myself believe that lie again, unfortunately when the truth slaps you in the face its quit blatant. I think we all come to the point where we start to realize that the kool-aid is nothing more than 25 cent bullshit powder and not the real deal juice. I think some women have so little value for themselves that they believe expressing the pain of their loss is admitting a failure, its admitting that they had no value to the agency, admitting they were used. Admitting that is too much for them.

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