…You Might Be an Adoptoraptor

I just want to preface this by saying I am appalled by some of things both prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents say on public forums. I also want to make clear that I am not certainly not referring to all adoptive parents, in fact there are quite a few on the forums that “get it” and truly want to educate themselves. They are a breath of fresh air in an online world choking on adoptoraptor farts.

It is one thing to have secret adoptoraptor thoughts, but quite another to feel like these types of things are okey dokey and should be the norm. And so, without further adieu….

Adoptoraptor or Skeses?

If you use the term, “our birth mother”…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you use the term, “birth person” when referring to your child’s original mother…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you believe it was God’s plan that you adopted your child…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you support legislation that would make it illegal for a minor to raise their own child…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you have ever considered keeping your child’s adoption a secret…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you promised open adoption to an expecting mother and proceeded to immediately close it as soon as the adoption was finalized…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you support the current practice of keeping original birth certificates sealed…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you support the current practice of legally ficitionalizing birth certificates…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If a child’s birth father comes forward and exercises their right to raise their child and you decide to drag this out in the courts instead of doing the right thing by returning his baby to him…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you hand out adoption business cards to young looking expectant mothers on the street…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you believe that you were called by God to adopt…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you refer to an expectant mother as a birth mother and refer to their unborn child as your baby…you might be an adoptoraptor.

If you refer to adult adoptees and/or first mothers as angry and bitter if they have a differing viewpoint…you might be an adoptoraptor.

late addition but
If you troll for babies on Craigslist…you might be an adoptoraptor

If you believe that the current adoption industry is fine as is…you might be an adoptoraptor.

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44 comments

  1. wackyadorablefamily

    I think I passed (whew). What’s “legally ficitionalizing birth certificates”? Are you saying adopted kids shouldn’t be able to have a birth certificate with their family names on it to look and feel like everyone else? I believe they should have access to all their paperwork and original stuff and they can put their adoptive family stuff and their first family stuff in the same place, two families, both legit.
    *It’s unfortunate that some bloggers want to use the term first mother and feel the need to say bmom or birthmother anyway because people may not know what first mother is.

    • lktrevino

      I don’t use any “pre” name on my title – I am and will always be my daughters mother. The birth certificate was actually designed to make sure that people were accounted for and so that marriages between siblings and close family members were not marrying and reproducing. It is, technically a genetic record. Putting the adoptive parents on this document is kind of ludicrous…. they are not genetically related to the child and if you falsify genetic records, you negate the ability of the individual to make sure that they are not involved sexually with a blood relative. You also create a false medical history. JMHO

      • wackyadorablefamily

        I respect and accept others’ opinions–in fact I seek them out. Personally I would be cautious not to do anything that would harm a child’s identity formation or self-esteem and it sounds like you agree. I definitely think there need to be documents formed for the second family so the child knows and feels they are legit also (in addition to total access to first family info). But my perspective is foster care adoption. If it was adoption by coercion well the whole thing would just be wrong. Documents are a drop in the bucket

      • lktrevino

        Actually, my daughter was adopted out of foster care – but coercion is a mild term for what happened. I was a foster child and the state took custody of my daughter while I was throwing up from a crappy c-section at age 16…. the social worker decided that she needed to “Help” me by making sure I was never able to get out of the system – she defied a judge to keep my child in care…. and then they lied to a judge to get an adoption that should not have been allowed pushed through (currently under investigation after 30 years!). I think that a court order stating that a child is the adopted child of a family should be sufficient. A birth certificate carries much more than belonging with it.

      • wackyadorablefamily

        Thank you for sharing your story, lk. That breaks my heart, though not nearly as much as it breaks yours. Here’s to hoping the system changes. I know that still happens.

      • Megan

        That is true!! It should be my human right to have every single ORIGINAL document of my history as every other American

    • leenilee

      Many birth mothers and adult adoptees consider it a legal fiction because it is supposed to be a record of actual birth. It is especially objectionable when there is no mention of an adoption taking place, so the birth certificate is recording that the adoptive mother gave birth which is untrue. Part of the problem I have with domestic infant adoption especially is that it purports to make the child “as if born to” their adoptive parents. Adoption is different and we shouldn’t pretend it is the same. Presumably in this day and age, a child would know they were adopted, so having an adoption certificate instead of a birth certificate should not create any identity issues. At the very least, all states should indicate an adoption has taken place on the birth certificate. Here’s a great blog post from iadoptee about the use of the term “legal fiction” http://www.iadoptee.com/2012/11/a-fine-work-of-legal-fiction.html

      Yes, there are many of us that have an issue with the word, “birth mother”. I am pretty much ambivalent about it, but I understand why many feel the way they do. What I actually object to is the use of “OUR birth mother” when referring to the mother prospective adoptive parents are matched with or have adopted from. It implies ownership to me. Now referring to an expectant mother as the birth mother is very troublesome because in actual fact, until an adoption has taken place, she is simply a mother. This practice is a coercive tactic because if you’re a mother considering adoption (I don’t care at what stage, even if she is matched, has allowed the PAP’s in for dr. appointments, etc.) you are implanting the idea that she has already made a choice and has no right to back out, it’s very subtle but effective.

      You=general you in all of the above, just want to make it clear that I’m not saying you personally 🙂

      • wackyadorablefamily

        Ah. That explanation causes me to realize that I was thinking, “what if the adoptee wants to show her baby book to her friends and she doesn’t want them to know she was adopted, because it’s personal.” Now reflecting on that, this is also a fear about how society views adoption. If other kids have negative reactions that’s because of the way society has inundated them with messages about the nuclear family and everything else being somehow wrong. In the past it was a plan to pretend the baby was born to that family, it shouldn’t have to be that way anymore. But until the media catches up, adoptees are in danger of negative stereotypes and aparents have to find their ways of addressing this as they grow up.

    • leenilee

      I also wanted to say that the “birth person” comment came from a cray cray adoptoraptor on an adoption forum who stated that the term “birth mother” should be retired and she and her husband apparently do not acknowledge their child’s first mother as a mother at all. I have as of yet not come across any adoptoraptors quite as forthcoming as her and her hubby. Cray-cray doesn’t even begin to describe them.

    • Dana

      A birth certificate should include the facts of the child’s birth. If there must be a document for the adoption, let’s start using an adoption certificate.

      Your adoptee was NOT born to you and their birth certificate SHOULD NOT be falsified. What you’re saying is that an adoptee should not be allowed to have their birth information be accurate, the same as every other child. Shame on you.

    • julie j

      Amended (falsified) birth certificates are NOT what make adoptees “feel like everyone else”. Nobody else has those except other adoptees. What adoptees want is honesty and equality. Original birth certificates are what everyone else has, and everyone else has legal access to their own. Amended birth certificates are not really for the child – they are really for the adopting adults so THEY can try to feel more like everyone else who birthed their children. The fact is, everyone is only born once. Those facts never change no matter how many custody may later change. People who had nothing to do with the conception or the birth of a child, have no business being on their birth certificate. Their role in that child’s life is not connected to birth. It’s about raising the child. Adoptive parents already have a document that states they have legal custody of a specific child – It’s called an adoption decree and every legal adoption includes that.

  2. Stephanie

    Actually wacyadorablefamily, you do have documents stating that the child you adopted is a member of your “family”. I think the lawyers, etc. who facilitated your adoption gave you a copy of all of those.

    As a natural mother, I don’t like that fact that another woman is listed on a certificate of birth, stating she is the one who gave birth to my flesh and blood. She didn’t and no “document” will make that true. I did. I was the one who created, carried and gave birth to my child. That is our experience, not anyone else’s.

    You have the child all to yourself. Isn’t that ‘legit’ enough for you, or it is just about having it ALL for yourself, including their birth as well…?

    • leenilee

      Most of these issues could be solved if we as a society stop trying to pretend that adoption is the same as a natural mother raising her own child. I’m not necessarily saying adoption is bad, just different. If you work from the presumption that it IS different from the get go, so many issues and problems could be avoided. Some examples: adoptees self esteem issues, depression issues, identity issues, secrecy about adoption, lies, half truths, rewriting the birth mother’s narrative to suit the adoptive parents’ story, etc. The birth certificate lie is damaging since it’s the first lie, the original lie, the lie upon which all else is based. Perhaps, if that lie was taken away, there could be more open communication about adoption and adoption issues.

      Unfortunately there are many adoptoraptors who can not fathom why their names should not be on the birth certificate as if having given birth. And usually they state their reasons from an “ownership” point of view. They say things like, “they are MY CHILD” or “I had to wait soo long for MY baby so in a way I DID give birth to them”. These points of view are nauseating.

    • Megan

      Omg took the words right outta my mouth, Im an adoptee, but amom aka fake mom should not have her name anywhere on my BC!!! She is not my mother and therefore why is her name on this cabbage patch looking birth cert!?

  3. steffi

    Can you post this on a site like Adoption Voices? I read an article in it and was pretty impressed that adopters can be so honest about the issues. But, lets face it most adopters do not want to even
    think there is anything not perfect or blessed by God when it comes to adopting. The white adopters see nothing strange about bringing up a black child. Its mind boggling.

    • leenilee

      I have a feeling that most adoptive parents would not take kindly to this post. I do agree that there are many fantastic AP’s who either “get it” or who are legitimately trying to understand the issues.
      As far as “white adopters” wanting to adopt other races, I don’t have any issue with that as long as AP’s are educated on the issues that may come up for the adoptees. Race is such a tough subject, especially in adoption. I certainly don’t think there us anything wrong with a mother wanting someone of the same race to adopt their child. In fact I really wanted AP’s who had an Irish heritage.

  4. Kelly

    I was a prospective Adoptive Parent. I asked the pregnant woman whom we met what she preferred to be called. She preferred the term “Birth Mother”. I respectfully understand that there are many mothers who prefer other terms such as “Natural, or First or simply….mother” But, I don’t see how when a couple works so closely with a person who is planning an adoption and they ask her delicate questions of what she wishes…how that could be wrong?” She asked us to refer to ourselves as “mom and dad” even before the twins were born. She asked us to cut the girls cords, she asked us to do all the baby cares as she did say she wanted nothing to do with these girls. She asked us to refer to her as the “Bio-mom or Birthmom” All we did was honor her requests. We asked her to tell us if we ever offended her in any way…to let us know immediately (As we had never ventured down this path before) All in all…the twins (our daughters) were born Oct 15th of this year. She said she hated them, she asked the doctor to get “IT” off of her and she called one of the twins..ugly. We have since had our twins Ripped from our hearts and home because we would not “illegally” participate in the black-market process that she wanted us to purchase her children. She waited for the girls to be in our home for 2 weeks before she extorted us. We found out just the other day, she never intended to give us the girls…she was only using us to get back at her mother (who wished to adopt the girls all along) because her mom would not buy her a car or house in trade for her daughters. Now, I raised these girls and loved these girls as my own for one month. I still am thankful for the month I was blessed to lavish love on them and cherish them and give them a good start to life, however she has said (even after looking at them) that she wishes they were never born and that she chose abortion. So, though I understand there are genuine moms out there who love their children, and sometimes even feel that they are being forced into doing adoption and they sincerely always love their children, I just ask you to respectfully understand that Some “first moms, biological moms, natural moms or birth moms or which ever term you use” Some of them do Not love their children, Never wanted their children, and only saw their children as something to be sold and a pawn in a game. That sometimes even an adoptive mom can truly love a child more than the woman who carried that same child. So please, just look at it with both lenses…we sure did, we loved the woman who was giving the gift of life to her natural children, and now it hurts knowing she just used her girls and us as well. (by the way…we also have to worry about identity theft because of this woman. a woman who had a criminal record already, a woman who was a felon, a drug addict, and a compulsive liar) So please don’t think that all Natural moms love their children…because sadly there are a lot of natural moms who abuse, neglect, and even murder their children. So…Yes, I believe God does want the BEST for children, and whether it is by a Natural mom and Natural dad or an adoptive parent…He wants children loved and protected no matter who provides it. Please respectfully understand that every case is different and don’t lump us all together as these evil, couples who prey on pregnant women. We were the ones preyed on, our girls were the ones preyed on…and that hurts!

    • leenilee

      Kelly,
      First, if you read at the top of this post, you will see that I specifically state that I am not referring to all PAP’s or AP’s. Just wanted to clarify that I am certainly not lumping all of you together.
      Secondly, as far as the term birth mother goes, it is great that you specifically asked what the mother would like to be called. However, it can set up problems on both sides of the adoption equation when referring to expecting mothers as birth mothers prior to birth and referring to their unborn child as your baby. Prior to signing papers, she is simply a mother and the baby is simply hers. Can you see how thinking of the unborn baby as YOUR baby could set up a heartbreak for yourself if the mother chooses to keep her child?
      Your situation is one of the many reasons I am against pre birth matching. From a PAP standpoint, you are only setting yourself up for heartache should the mother decide to parent. And, in your case, you were set up to be scammed. This would not have occured if pre birth matching were a thing of the past.
      In your comment you are still referring to someone else’s children as your own. I am so sorry, but they were never yours. It sounds like a heartbreaking situation that you had to go through, but that doesn’t make her children yours.
      You stated, “there are a lot of natural moms who abuse, neglect, and even murder their children.” Kelly, I am here to tell you that there are many adoptive parents who do the same. Us natural mothers haven’t cornered the market on that.
      Having only heard your side of the story, I am not going to comment on the mother’s original intent for her children. I don’t deny that these types of things happen, but when a mother decides to keep her baby rather than giving it up, PAP’s tend to demonize her and I won’t be a part of that.
      The main point I want to get across to you is that this entire situation could have been avoided if prebirth matching wasn’t the norm.

    • Dana

      I hear of stories like yours and I know they do happen, but you know they are not in the majority of adoption experiences. Or I would hope you know. You’re objecting to us trying to set the story straight because the Official Adoption Narrative says that ALL “birthmothers” are bad and ALL adoptees are genuinely unwanted and THAT IS NOT REMOTELY TRUE.

  5. Kelly

    I guess I was saying that a mom isn’t just defined as someone who gives birth or adopts. A mom is someone who loves a child, selflessly and gives their all in the best interest of a child. I understand adoptive parents, foster parents, and natural parents all hurt children and that it isn’t natural moms who cornered the market, I was just saying that not all natural moms love their children. I have not demonized anyone and when I bare my personal journey, I would hope to be taken at face-value. You are right, pre birth matching is a scary thing, as I have no witnessed a bitter journey of adoption myself. And I will always refer to those girls as my own. For one month, God gave me children that I will be accountable to Him for how I raised them. I gave them my all, selflessly, the way a mom does. So, I mother’ed them and no one can take that away from me. And by the way, for the record she still didn’t even keep the children. I even am in the middle of a lawsuit regarding this Human Trafficking situation, so I am not just saying something just because I was hurt, I was saying something to raise awareness that not all natural moms have good intentions for their children. I am so sorry that the adoptive industry has hurt so many, but all in all….we need to think of the BEST interest of ALL children and that needs to come first above ourselves.

    • leenilee

      Raise awareness that not all natural moms have good intentions for their children? You must be joking. First mothers have always carried the stigma of being neglectful, abusive, drug addicted whores. I shudder to think how much more awareness we need to heap upon our shoulders.

      Personally, I don’t have a direct line to God and you don’t either. You have no idea if God gave you those children or not. I’m leaning toward not since they were given back to their mother. I’m assuming you don’t realize that I’m agnostic, leaning more towards atheism every day. When people talk about God and adoption it’s similar to saying Santa Claus gave you someone else’s child. The God argument holds no weight with me.

      You did not raise them. You cared for them for a month. That does not constitute raising them.

      As far as the best interest of all children needing to come first, except in cases of true neglect and abuse, the best interest of children is staying with their mother. Period.

      Your particular issue is difficult to speak to without hearing from the mother or learning about your court case. I am not calling you a liar. I am stating that in many instances PAP’s do in fact twist the facts of their adoption and their children’s mother’s narrative to suit themselves.

      You are saying the twins’ mother tried to get you to give her more money in order for you to keep her children. You failed to comply and she took her children back. How can she steal your identity if you didn’t give her any money? Did you give her your SSN’s? You don’t explain if you are the plaintiffs in this lawsuit. Are you suing her or is she being sued by someone else?
      You say she decided in the end not to keep her children. Were they removed or did she freely decide adoption for them? Did the new parents pay her off? Your narrative here is raising more questions than answers.

      At the end of the day, none of what you wrote has anything remotely to do with the original post. Whatever the circumstances may be, if PAP’s use the terms “our birthmother” or refer to the unborn child as their own they sound like reproductive predators.

    • Megan

      I am adopted, my amom whom I hate to put it nicely, continues to refer to me as her daughter and her grandkids. I have told her verbally and in a letter I am not and never have been her daughter, she did not give birth to me! My kids are most certainly not her grandkids. I do not understand this ownership thing that aparents have! The right thing if the mom of these twins did not want her twins would be to give them to the father or the real family, family preservation should be promoted and supported. Why on Earth would you sue someone for kids that are not even your relative in any way shape or form? This really infuriates me.

  6. Kelly

    I do have a direct line to God and it is apparent that speaking with a person who is leaning more towards atheism every day will not understand my life, my relationship with Christ, our our adoption journey. Since this is your blog, I will politely leave as I do not have to go into the details with someone who will scrutinize me and our situation. God is real, whether you believe in Him or not…doesn’t change that fact. And He knows the Truth! That’s all I need. I am sorry you seem so bitter, I pray that you can forgive those who have hurt you. I already have and I thought I could help you see another perspective, I was wrong. Good day.

    • Dana

      Don’t offer testimony if you don’t want to be scrutinized. And btw, I’m agnostic too, but Jesus never said “only tell people half the story when you talk about me.” The word “testimony” connotes “truth”–telling half the story isn’t telling the truth.

  7. lktrevino

    Adoptoraptor alert! LOL – Kelly sounds like every bitter, wannabe adopter that I have ever talked to. She got the honor of pretending to be mom for a month, then blamed the mother for getting a reality check and took back what was not hers to keep. ….. I am sure that her religion is one that would tell her how sad it was and how evil us nasty bm’s are…. It gets old fast.

  8. PAP

    I’m a prospective adoptive parent, and I think this list is spot on. Reading the blogs of adult adoptees and first mothers has drastically altered the way we’re pursuing adoption and what we expect to do in making it possible for our future child to have a real, meaningful, and ongoing relationship with his/her first family. Thanks.

    • leenilee

      You just made my day! I know I can come off snarky and angry but in reality I just want to make the slightest bit of difference in adoption. Thank you for commenting and Happy Thanksgiving!

    • lktrevino

      Damn – honestly, I am impressed! Most PAPs aren’t even willing to see anything real happening in adoption….. Thank you. I hope you consider adopting a child, not toddler or infant, out of foster care…. they are the children that truly do need families and homes. Be well PAP!

  9. Feit Can Write

    As an adoptive father, I’m finding your blog to be an eye-opening breath of fresh air. Yeah, there is a part of me that knows the two birth moms in our lives face untold pain, but it is so damn easy to forget about it while I stare at the beautiful children they gave birth to.

    I try to “get it”, but I know that often fail. I’m hoping that following a no-holds-barred blog like this will help me to gain the additional perspectives and respect that I lack.

    If you’d like, feel free to read some of the adoption posts I’ve done (http://feitcanwrite.com/category/adoption-2/) and let me have it where I deserve it.

    • leenilee

      Thanks for commenting. I’m not always the most tactful writer, but it speaks volumes that you are seeking out different viewpoints on adoption. That is commendable.

  10. karen bailey

    forced adoption is immoral and unjust by family law courts majority of the children come from loving familys there full of fabricated lies and presumtion how can any judge grant a forced adoption ripping familys apart daily on crystal ball evidence there just out to destroy familys with social services barristers phycoligists phyciitris cafcass and judges along with soliciters who are all in it for the money they say a childs safty is paramount totaly agree yet david camron who a long with his goverment wont to speed up the adoption process why when in the uk there are 4000 children awating adoption and why arnt social services hammering down his door when his children are at risk every day from threts and terrorists no because its one rule form them and another for us you see every thing that gos through the goverment laws are passed by the queen and in my eyes that makes them the biggest child abusers ever the system is just so currupt and every body gets caught up in the conspirice even down to the adoptives

  11. Kristina

    Prior to discovering this and another adoptee website I had no idea about the real deal with adoption. I was under the impression that it was this wonderful thing where someone who didn’t want or couldn’t care for a baby gave them to someone who desperately wanted one (some well adjusted person that for whatever reason couldn’t have a child). How I could believe such a bs fairy story I don’t know…as with everything if it sounds too good to be true it probably is… Thank you for sharing the truth here as I have always thought that one day I would adopt a child, so the information you provide is incredibly valuable.

    On an unrelated note, I aways felt a like celebrities adopting kids from other countries was a little off in some way. I am glad not to be the only one thinking there was something wrong with it even if I couldn’t quite put my finger on why, you gave me a clear picture of the why.

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