I love my Mom. My Mom loves me. We have a wonderful relationship now, but it wasn’t always this way.
When I got pregnant our relationship was probably at the worst place it has ever been. I was a different person then. I had no direction in my life. My main priority was partying it up with my friends. Everything else came in a distant second place. Looking back, I think my pregnancy was the culmination of every bad decision, every fuck up, every irresponsible thing I had ever done in my life. I can see so clearly now the path that I had taken starting from bad choices in my early adolescence. There was a trajectory to my life then. It was like being caught in a current and I did not have the life skills to swim out of it.
I understand why my mom thought that adoption was the best option for me. I understand that she was not trying to be cruel. I understand that she thought it was the right thing. I was not the most trustworthy person. I was definitely not a pillar of responsibility. I had a terrible track record of laziness and self-involvement. Here’s the thing…I know why she thought adoption was the best option for everyone involved but I have anger.
I resent her because the fact is, she brought up the adoption option. She started the process. She made me think that I could not possibly be worthy of keeping my child. If she had been firm and made me accept responsibility to parent my child, everything would have been different. Me keeping my son was never given a second thought, at least not said out loud to me. I am sure she considered it, but it was never talked about out loud. When I think about it, I get very angry with her. Not the person she is now, but the mom she was then.
Now, I need to be quite clear in this. When I say “partying”, I am not talking about drugs. I am talking about going out dancing and drinking. I am also not talking about being promiscuous, there was only one man I had an ongoing relationship with and he was the father. That is a very complicated story and not all mine to tell so I won’t get into that here. I want to be clear because too many times we are judged as being crack whores from the whole of society.
Getting back to the point now. Wait, what was it again? Oh yeah, anger.
My mom did not force me into anything. I am not delusional in that. If at any point I disagreed with her and stood up for myself, I think we could have worked it out. I did not and I am ashamed of that. Goddamn it though. She should have told me I needed to get my shit together and parent my child. She should have told me that I could get child support from his father. She should have told me that accepting help from the government while I got my shit together was not the worst thing in the world. She should have told me that I could do it. She should not have given me an OUT. What I needed more than anything was someone to tell me I could do it and they would help me figure it out.
When I gave birth to my son, my mom was there. She saw what I was going through. She saw me hold him and she saw that I loved him beyond all measure. She held him for hours as well. I know she loved him. If she had just said, let’s not do this, let’s bring him home, my god I would have done it. That’s all it would have taken.
The anger I feel towards my mom is troubling to me. I love my mom. In truth, she was just as much a victim of the adoption machine as I was. She was made to believe that adoption is the loving option. She didn’t know any better. Recently, I have started talking to her about my feelings NOW on adoption. I haven’t expressed my anger towards her because it’s not really fair. How can I have anger towards my mom when she thought she was doing the right thing for me and my baby? All I can do is educate her and hope that she can see how wrong we both were.
I do a fair amount of venting about adoptive parents here. Yeah, some of them are adoptoraptors, but not all of them. I vent at them because they are a part of the adoption machine. The same machine that made my mom think adoption was a loving choice. Instead of focusing my anger on my mom, I’m trying to focus it on the people that set up the circumstances surrounding the adoption. Hopefully, I can start turning all the anger I feel into something positive. Hopefully I can turn the anger into a way to prevent mothers being separated from their children needlessly. I am trying. It’s a process.