Adoption is the New Pregnant?!??? WTF?!?!?!

 

 

This saying is probably one of the most sickening, vile, demeaning, dehumanizing things I have ever come across. And to put it out there on a tshirt is just, just, holy christ, I’m speechless!

While I have great sympathy for people who for whatever reason are infertile, adopting a baby is never going to be the new pregnant.

Why is it necessary to turn adoption into something it can never be? Why is it necessary to take away the one thing birth mothers can hold on to…the fact that they were ACTUALLY pregnant?

Adopting a child is nothing like being pregnant, period.

And the fact that these particular PAP’s have taken it to a new level and are using funds from selling this vile shirt to fund their adoption is just mind blowing. Sensitivity chip, anyone?

http://www.etsy.com/shop/thenewpregnant

And here is their blog

http://iquitwhenitscold.blogspot.com/2011/01/adoption-is-new-pregnant.html

So glad other insensitive pricks can fund your adoption!!!!

Advertisements

28 comments

  1. Lara

    Hi, that is actually my blog and my family that you are referring to. I am very sorry that this offends you, I did not mean any insensitivity to you or other parents. Freely disregard my opinion, it is only my own, but I just wanted to clarify that I do not have infertility issues, and we thought that saying adoption is the new pregnant is a way to acknowledge that growing your family through adoption is an option, and can be very similar to being pregnant – the planning, the anticipation, the fears, etc. We have biological children and adopted, and I found some things to be similar. It is simply a way to celebrate adoption. I see that you are not for adoption, and that is totally fine… but, for those that are, they would view themselves as expectant parents. This is not to take away from the mother that was pregnant with our son. She is his mother, and I am his mother. I am so sorry, again, that our shirt offended you. My blog is to share my heart and my story, which you can dismiss, it is certainly not required reading.

    • leenilee

      I have no issue with prospective adoptive parents considering themselves expecting. I am also not one to get offended easily but for obvious reasons, this saying hits a nerve with me.

      I have seen this saying and “paper-pregnant” numerous times on the Internet so I know it’s not just you/your blog that has coined the phrase. I also understand that for you, adoption has been or will be a joyous experience. For me and others on the other side of the experience, it can be a lifetime of pain and regret. Cutesy tshirt sayings like this are dismissive of the birth mother’s role in creating your family. Is it not enough that you (general) get to raise someone else’s child? Why must you (general) also seek to nullify the fact there was an actual mother who went through pregnancy? Why does adoption have to be something that it is not? Adoption is not pregnancy. It just isn’t.

      I’m sure as an adoptive mother you do or have done plenty of reading, but please do a google search for this phrase and read other birth mother and adult adoptee perspectives. I am not the only one who feels this way about it and there are numerous others who can express themselves far better on this subject.

      Just to clarify, I am not against all adoptions. I am very pro adoption reform and feel that domestic infant adoptions should be the last resort.

      Of course it is your right to blog about anything you wish.

      I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my blog.

      • leenilee

        Your=you’re I presume. Could you elaborate intelligently on why you believe me to be an idiot and why this stereotypes adoption? You obviously have strong feelings about this subject. I am unsure how adoption is stereotyped, or I should say, I am unsure what you mean by that. (It’s probably because I’m an idiot)

  2. Lara

    I very much appreciate your response. I just want to clarify that while we are wild about our son, and have had a “great” adoption experience… I would never once claim that adoption is a purely joyous experience. I feel (and have been very vocal about) the fact that I view adoption as something that is born out of a very tragic separation of a mother and her child. I think that adoptive parents lie to themselves and each other (and are often lied to) about what adoption is all about. I agree that domestic infant adoption should be a last resort, and I am very much hoping for adoption reform. I briefly read your story and think that what happened to you, is criminal. I view my role as an adoptive parent to facilitate whatever relationship my son and his first mom would like, and I am so very sorry that your son’s adoptive mother is unwilling to see the gift that you could be in your son’s life. I am certain that anything I say could be offensive, so honestly… I am scared to say more. I just hope to clarify that while I am certainly an insensitive prick in a zillion ways, I know for a fact that I have never tried to make adoption something that it isn’t, and I am not guilty of having anything but respect and appreciation for all mothers… first, second or otherwise.

  3. leenilee

    You seem like a highly intelligent person who truly does appreciate the tragedy that is domestic infant adoption. I applaud you for this because there are so many parents who could give a shit less. BUT (and you know there is always a but) the saying that you have on your tshirts does not convey your sentiments in your comments above. The saying, “adoption is the new pregnant” is offensive to many. It’s a slap in the face even in the best of adoption scenarios. If you have biological children you know the risks that pregnancy carries for a mother. You know the daily pains involved never mind labor. You also know the absolute joy and bonding experience that comes with feeling your baby inside of you moving and kicking around. Emotionally, it is true that I have only experienced the biological joy and pain of expecting a child and have not adopted so I do not know what that process feels like. I do know that filling out paperwork does not carry the very real risk of death and illness. The two are not alike. What I don’t understand and what you did not answer is why do the 2 things need to be equated in the first place? Why can’t you acknowledge and embrace the differences between adopting and being pregnant?
    Now, I freely admit I’m not an avid reader of your blog. I have no idea what kind of adoption you are participating in. I do know what kind of adoption I participated in and it wasn’t all horrible, but it was absolutely not joyous. My pregnancy with my son was actually not at all awful. In fact, in some ways it was joyous, miraculous, wonderful. My contention is that it really doesn’t matter what kind of adoption experience someone had, equating pregnancy to adoption is still insensitive.
    I also stand by my statement that selling a tshirt with that saying on it to fund your adoption is beyond cruel and insensitive. Of course as a hopeful adoptive parent you are allowed to be excited about your journey, but it is your ADOPTION journey, not your PREGNANCY.
    Of course, you are allowed to say, sell, think, etc whatever you want. If you believe yourself to be sensitive to mothers of all kinds you are fooling yourself. And, not to get all Oprah on ya, but I believe when we know better we do better.

  4. Lara

    I think we may need to agree to disagree on this one, although I really do respect and appreciate the insight you have shared. For me, saying “30 is the new 20” is just an expression to say “hey, let’s think about turning 30 differently!” Nobody is really saying that 30 is actually 20 years of age, or that it is somehow the equivalent of being 20 years old. My hope is for people to start a) thinking about adoption differently, b) talking about adoption more openly, as you and I have been here, and c) changing people’s minds about the stigma of adoption (particularly as it relates to the secretive part.) I want everyone in the adoption community to change the way they think about adoption as a whole, because the secretive nature is so damaging especially when a child wants their truth and their right to be in a meaningful relationship with all of their parents!

    preg·nant1    [preg-nuhnt]
    adjective
    1. having a child or other offspring developing in the body; with child or young, as a woman or female mammal.
    2. fraught, filled, or abounding (usually followed by with ): a silence pregnant with suspense.
    3. teeming or fertile; rich (often followed by in ): a mind pregnant in ideas.
    4. full of meaning; highly significant: a pregnant utterance.
    5. of great importance or potential; momentous: a pregnant moment in the history of the world.

    This is all I meant. That adoption is a form of pregnancy, not a physical pregnancy, but a period of time that is pregnant with expectation. That adoption is another way of expecting a child, and deserves a new process, a new mindset and a new stigma. And as I think you would agree, it deserves a whole lot of change. The biggest change of all, perhaps, is more closely protecting the rights and desires of the first mother.

    I truly do address you with great respect and do not mean to belittle your feelings, and I apologize that our shirts were offensive to you and any others. I think that we view the meaning differently, but share a similar mind about adoption in general, and that makes me like you.

  5. leenilee

    Yes we can agree to disagree. If you say that you meant “pregnant with expectation” what choice do I have but to believe you. I think most people would believe that saying to mean actual pregnancy so perhaps a better tshirt saying would be, “Expecting via Adoption” and leave the whole pregnancy issue out of it.

  6. Ric

    Lenilee, the fact that use the term domestic adoption as a tragedy proves you’re an ignorant ethnocentric typical American. Are you implying that foreign adoption is not? Trying to rob women of the right to look forward to caring and loving a child from a broken relationship is disgusting. You will never understand the pain a woman feels when she is unable to feel the pleasure of being pregnant like you have been. You want to perpetuate the idea that women should be afraid to talk about their “tragic domestic adoption” and that makes you small. You are pathetic if you believe this somehow downplays your “wonderful” pregnancy. Go hug your bio child and be thankful that you don’t have to feel the pain my wife just did when she read your ignorant post.

    • leenilee

      Hi Ric,
      I am ignorant about many things, but adoption is not one of them.

      Infertility is a heartbreak I can not begin to understand, so I will not pretend to.

      Adopting a child should be about finding a family for a child in need NOT about finding a baby for a woman or couple in need. No one owes you a baby, no one. Not even a woman in a broken relationship, as you stated. There are plenty of people raised by single parents who are just fine and certainly wouldn’t wish they had been given away by their mothers.

      In what way am I perpetrating the idea that women should be afraid to talk about adoption? On the contrary, I think we, as women, need to talk about it a great deal, just not in the fuzzy hearts and flowers way that adoption is traditionally discussed. Or by women do you mean entitled women who are unable to conceive and so seek to tear apart a family to serve their own selfish desires? I’m pretty sure those are the women you are talking about.

      I have tremendous empathy for anyone who is unable to conceive naturally. Rest assured that I love and cherish ALL of my “bio” children, even the son I gave away. Yes, the son who I carried and grew for 9 months, I loved him then and I love him now. A saying like “adoption is the new pregnant” is about as dismissive of my role in bringing my son into this world as it comes. It is a revolting statement. If you and your wife are troubled enough by my take on it to actually comment on my personal blog, well sir, you should not be adopting a child.

      • RIC

        I understand. You still grieve the child that you gave away. I get that. However, the children from foster care are not children who have been raised or would be raised by a good mother. Your idyllic view of domestic adoption is really the predatory $40,000 adoption facilitated by lawyers that I am completely against. I don’t want to take a child always from a mother yet to have a chance. I want to give a child a chance who is the product of two people who have treated that child so bad the state felt they would not make it through the night. Do not put all adoption in the same category. Adopting a baby who was brought into this world and was horribly treated by their bio parents is not a thing to find displeasure in. It is not a thing to celebrate. It is a thing to hope that others will do to help these broken children. A mom that gives birth is not special just like a father who donates semen is not special. A mother and a father are special.

      • Linny

        Shame on you Leenilee. How dare you try to break down women that already feel broken! Did you stop to think why a woman would want a shirt that says “Adoption is the new pregnant” before spouting your hate? I’m guessing not. It is women like you who will go buy maternity clothes the second you get pregnant so everyone knows you are procreating. While you are walking around with a giant billboard that is your stomach and every “Baby on Board” shirt/sign/item known to man, you are basically saying “Pregnant is the New Accessory”. Why? Because you are excited and proud. That is the EXACT same reason why a woman would buy a shirt that says “Adoption is the New Pregnant”. Because for some women, it is the new pregnant. It is the only pregnant. After spending years trying to conceive and watching every woman they know get pregnant with little effort, a woman who is adopting has every right to be excited and to proclaim it as a woman who is pregnant does. You have no right to try to take that joy away from a fellow woman. As RIC said, go hug your bio child. Be thankful that God gave them to you. But don’t you dare put down a woman who is loving a child she didn’t give birth to because that is special. Don’t try to take away from her experience because that is her baby story.

      • leenilee

        Hello Linny,

        My hate? Interesting…I certainly do not hate infertile women, that is ludicrous. What I HATE is this saying. Did I stop and think why a person would want that shirt? Absolutely, and I disagree with it.

        Women like me? Who exactly are women like me? Women who are able to conceive in the traditional sense? I am sensing animosity towards “women like me” who are able to procreate. The fact of the matter is that adoption is not a pregnancy. The two are not remotely the same. If I were to wear a shirt proudly proclaiming that I was pregnant, it would be a simple fact. A person who is going through an adoption process is simply not pregnant. I object to a person equating the two things. Now, if a person who was adopting wore a shirt stating they were adopting, that would not be offensive and would be a fact.

        Of course a woman can be excited about adopting. I am not taking the joy away from a woman who is adopting, but it is not the same as being pregnant or giving birth.

        As I said to Ric, I love my children to the moon and back. I am sure most adoptive parents feel the same way about their adopted children. You said, “Don’t try to take away from her experience because that is her baby story.” Excuse me, but this is exactly my point. The adoptive mother was NEVER pregnant. That part of the adopted person’s journey IS NOT THE ADOPTIVE MOTHER’S STORY. I would go further and say that “Adoption is the new pregnant” is a slogan which completely takes away MY EXPERIENCE during MY PREGNANCY since that is MY BABY STORY.

  7. Eileen Burke

    Well Ric,
    It seems like this is a misunderstanding. If you read any of my other posts, it is my strong belief that foster adoption is the correct way to go. Admittedly, the foster-adoption system in this country is also corrupt and needs work, but my focus in ranting is mainly directed at newborn domestic adoption in the US. It also seems like you think I believe domestic adoption to be idyllic, which could not be further from the truth.

    Now, even in a foster adoption scenario, adopting a child is not the same as giving birth or being pregnant with a child. It is not about a bio parent being more or less special than an adoptive parent, it is a simple truth. The two things are different, adoption and biological procreation. That does not mean an adoptive parent of a foster child would or should love that child any more or less than if they had a child the traditional biological way, it is just a different scenario.

  8. dangermond

    I started reading reading the first comments and thought wow, here are two intelligent and mindful women having a conversation about a very complex discussion and then it started breaking down as others joined in. I respect the two originators for being able to discuss this from very different perspectives in a respectful and thoughtful manner. There are never any easy answers to adoption. I’m always torn between the overwhelming joy I feel for having my adopted son in my life coupled with the never ending sorrow that his life will always be colored by being separated from his birthmother and birthfather who loved him but could not care for him. I would hope that every child who needs a family could have one, but it is not idealizing adoption, it is dealing with reality.

  9. Mrs. E.

    As a birth mom I find this t shirt dismissive of birth mothers feelings every where! Let’s no forget it is because of us birth mothers carrying a child for 9 months, going through labor and then going through the pain of placing our child in another mothers arms that adoption is even possible and it would seriously offend me if I ever saw my child’s adoptive mother wearing this shirt when she is not the one who gave birth. Adoption is an amazing beautiful process but that’s all it is is a process, nothing more nothing less and this t shirt makes me feel like adoptive parents forget about us making it possible for them to be parents.

  10. Jennifer Dyan

    (After reading each comment) WOW! As an adoptee (now 49 years old), I am moved by both first moms and adoptive moms/parents opposing views on this subject. I wasn’t surprised that an adoptee hadn’t weighed in on this conversation here after all this time. We generally don’t want to upset or take sides about anything between birth and adoptive parents. The above conversations bring to mind the question of what sort of exchange would take place between my first/birth mom and mother if they were to engage each other about the slogan “Adoption is the new pregnant”. I might have been standing in the middle wishing “Can’t we all just get along”. I understand (from experience) being pregnant and giving birth to a son in 1990 (who was the only person in my life throughout the years that I knew to be biologically related to me until last year when I reunited with birth family members). I know, that’s an entirely different subject and not the topic of this discussion, so let me stay focused here. I can also understand being pregnant with anticipation of something or someone (such as adopting a child, though not my experience).

    Here’s my point for Lara, I’m sure you’ve given this some thought, so this is really directed at whom it may concern…I’m sensing that at the root of this matter is the issue of “loss” which affects all sides of the adoption community’s triad. Members of the triad TYPICALLY feel a sense of loss at sometime in their life. The adoptee feels a loss of the birth mother/family. The birth mother feels the loss of the surrendered child. Adoptive parents feel the loss of fertility and genetic continuity. With that being said, the slogan (at first glance and interpretation for me) does not seem to embrace a degree of inclusion relative to feelings of “loss” for EVERYONE affected by adoption.

  11. Lara

    Jennifer, thank you for taking the time to share your insight. I have the utmost respect for everyone weighing in on this topic, and if I am being completely honest, I hate that a stupid shirt we created has caused this much upset. I want to be clear that I have five children, two that came to me through adoption (one completely open, and one not) and three that came to my via pregnancy. I have never struggled with infertility. I only clarify that because I am being honest when I say that we did not chose that saying because I was trying to replace my adoption experience with the pregnancy experience. I simply thought it was a good reminder that adoption is NOT a consolation prize, or a second-rate way of growing your family. I truthfully thought it was a clever way of saying, “hey, adoption is another way to grow your family!” One of my closest friends, who was adopted, thanked me for putting a positive light on choosing to be expecting via adoption, rather than “being forced into adoption” as a last resort.

    Jennifer, I want to assure you that if I am guilty of overlooking the feelings of loss that the adoption triad experiences, it would not be the feelings of loss that my sons and their firstmoms experience. If anything, I am guilty of overlooking the loss that most adoptive parents face, because I have not experienced a personal struggle with infertility.

    Guys, if I had it to do over again, I would reject the phrase when it was presented as an option, out of respect for what some of you have shared. I can only say that my heart was in the right place, and I believe that adoption is a beautiful and tragic thing that would not exist in a perfect world… but as long as we are living here in this world, I am going to continue being honest about the wonderful and the heartbreaking parts of adoption. I am very sorry that this shirt offended some of you, but to be honest, I don’t think there is anything a shirt can say that makes you any less your child’s first mother. If my son’s first mother made a shirt that said “i’m the real mom” I would agree that she is his real mom. She really made him from scratch, then gave birth to him. And I am really raising him. So, I’m his real mom too. We’re both real women who have partnered in the creating and the forming of a person. Her shirt doesn’t change the importance of my role, and I wish my shirt didn’t change the importance of yours.

    • Lara

      Jennifer, thank you for taking the time to share your insight. I have the utmost respect for everyone weighing in on this topic, and if I am being completely honest, I hate that a stupid shirt we created has caused this much upset. I want to be clear that I have five children, two that came to me through adoption (one completely open, and one not) and three that came to my via pregnancy. I have never struggled with infertility. I only clarify that because I am being honest when I say that we did not chose that saying because I was trying to replace my adoption experience with the pregnancy experience. I simply thought it was a good reminder that adoption is NOT a consolation prize, or a second-rate way of growing your family. I truthfully thought it was a clever way of saying, “hey, adoption is another way to grow your family!” One of my closest friends, who was adopted, thanked me for putting a positive light on choosing to be expecting via adoption, rather than “being forced into adoption” as a last resort.

      Jennifer, I want to assure you that if I am guilty of overlooking the feelings of loss that the adoption triad experiences, it would not be the feelings of loss that my sons and their firstmoms experience. If anything, I am guilty of overlooking the loss that most adoptive parents face, because I have not experienced a personal struggle with infertility.

      Guys, if I had it to do over again, I would reject the phrase when it was presented as an option, out of respect for what some of you have shared. I can only say that my heart was in the right place, and I believe that adoption is a beautiful and tragic thing that would not exist in a perfect world… but as long as we are living here in this world, I am going to continue being honest about the wonderful and the heartbreaking parts of adoption. I am very sorry that this shirt offended some of you, but to be honest, I don’t think there is anything a shirt can say that makes you any less your child’s first mother. If my son’s first mother made a shirt that said “i’m the real mom” I would agree that she is his real mom. She really made him from scratch, then gave birth to him. And I am really raising him. So, I’m his real mom too. We’re both real women who have partnered in the creating and the forming of a person. Her shirt doesn’t change the importance of my role, and I wish my shirt didn’t change the importance of yours.

      Thank you, Lara

      • Jennifer Dyan

        Hi Leenilee and Lara,
        It was my pleasure to join the conversation. Thank you both! Lara, your slogan does not offend me and I do not find you guilty of anything. As far as I’m concerned, you did nothing wrong. You simply expressed an idea and took an action that was met with some resistance. I choose to allow disagreements and resistance to expand my understanding. Through the exchange of opinons here thanks to Leenilee, we create the opportunity to better understand some of the overall desires in the adoption community. It is my observation that adoption is often a tricky subject to navigate, especially when many of us are very interested in reform. I share my perspective on occasion, because we (adoptees especially from the 1960s) sometimes shy away from responding to adoptive parents when it would serve us to do so. In no way does your slogan threaten or alter my beliefs about anything related to adoption and its community. No two stories/journeys are the same and for that reason considerations towards everyone goes a long way!

      • leenilee

        It has been almost a year since I wrote the original post. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and about why it made me so angry right off the bat. Here is what I have come to understand about the anger this saying evoked. I picture my son’s adoptive mother wearing this shirt, wearing it while I was in probably the worst place I have ever been psychologically in my life. It hurts me to think of someone hoping, wishing, and praying that I would give my child to them instead of hoping, wishing, and praying that I would find the strength to raise my own child. The saying brings home the point, in my mind, that from the very moment I contacted the adoption agency for information, I became a means to an end for a hopeful adoptive couple, instead of anyone helping me to see that I could raise my own child. It hurts me to think of someone else celebrating this period in my life as their happy, joyful time. Is that self involved? Yes, certainly. I obviously, rationally, know that this saying/shirt has nothing to do with how I was feeling, but it still hurts. I am NOT saying that my thoughts on this phrase have anything to do with your intentions when using it. I suppose I am just trying to be a bit more clear in my thought process and better explain why I found it offensive. To sum it up, this phrase makes me feel like people were hoping I would fail instead of hoping I would succeed.

    • Jennifer Dyan

      Hi Leenilee,
      I totally understand your above thoughts and during this past weekend every first mom I spoke to about it (15-20) at a CUB (Concerned United Birthparents) retreat in Carlsbad, CA. totally agreed with you! They actually had never heard about the slogan on a t-shirt. So many women years after relinquishment are still grieving their loss. Perhaps that is why I empathize with first moms so much when it comes to loss, because I learned through my adoption journey from birth family members that my mom grieved the loss of me until her passing at an early age. She simply wanted someone…anyone to “hope, wish and pray” for her to keep me. I truly “get it” Leenilee and it is my hope that others do to. Keep writing…I’m listening and most of all understanding how we’re all in this together.
      Jennifer

  12. adoptionIStheNEWpregnant

    Haha!!! Thank you, we’re adopting in a month. ..a newborn that is a girl’s 5th illegitimate child that she wants absolutely nothing to do with. I’m third child’s mother. ..one and only..yes MOTHER!! My husband and I have completed a 4 hour long interview with a social worker who also went through our house then we paid her $1000. We had 8 letters of references , FBI BACKGROUND checks, provided marriage and birth certificates, paid a consultant $2300 to make a 150 picture dear birth mother binder along with two novel long questionnaires we had to fill out. Then we get to pay $45k to an agency so we can adopt this sweet infant boy she just leaves at the hospital. I’ve thrown my Co workers and family dozens of showers and we don’t get one bc no one sees us as “real” parents . We have to get ready for a newborn all out of pocket bc people like you don’t view us as “real moms.” Well, I’ll tell you this . …I’m a 3 time cancer survivor and I’m more of a mom to this child then I’ve seen a lot of women ever be. So. …you can kiss my ass, and I can bet you our “adopted ” son will tell you ….call my mom not a real mom one more time. This blig just made up my mind…I’m gonna wear them all as many as I can get my hands on. ..paper pregnant , adoption is the new pregnant , no morning sickness but the paperwork is the worst, and I pray I run into you wearing them. Have a sparkly day

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s